Superporn

This is a weird thing I found - A description of an issue of "Superman" wherein Superman is forced to be in a porn, and he performs poorly. From what I can tell, it's real. Link.

Brain Tickla

Here's a question - Which Kid in the Hall deserves the most respect for his post-show career?

Mark McKinney - SNL tenure, star of "The Saddest Music in the World," apparently a cast member of "Studio 60"
Bruce McCulloch - Directed a couple movies
Dave Foley - News Radio, Hosting celebrity poker show, fat and goatee
Kevin McDonald - Harry Potter in "Epic Movie," an Outkast music video
Scott Thompson - ? (although I did see him walking down the street in Toronto)

Try to separate your feelings about each one, just judge what they've done and whether it deserves respect.

Thrust thine vessel unto yonder corn shelled fare.

It's three in the AM and the one candle still aglow in this old steel trap is the impassioned craving for tacos. Tacos of the meat variety specifically but almost any taco would do at this juncture. Red ones, blue ones, two tacos, three tacos. I am willing to negotiate, as long as the outcome is the satisfying crunch and the shattered shell of that unnamed, glorious Mexican dish. You cannot appreciate this feeling or you, too, would be busy telling anyone within earshot: "Quickly, feed me!"

A painter has his canvas, a sculter his chisel and large rock. Myself? I have but my teeth and two hands with which to lay waste to all foodstuffs in my vincinity. Nothing is safe within my reach, one that well exceeds three feet in circumference. Perhaps you'd like a second to comprehend this or perhaps you'd like a second to order another helping of tacos and nachos. Both options are available and both appeal to me greatly, although the outcome with tacos is desired greater still.

I've grown terribly dissatisfied with my current standing in life. Where's the head rush highs, the knee buckling lows, the green delicious quacamole in a small plastic cup on the side? All these things and more I seem to be missing in my life, currently one noticably devoid of cheap ground chuck cooked on a filthy backroom griddle. The requirements are thus: tacos, and more tacos!

Fill my hearty gut, make light these final days of man.

Mad Dog!

I found this while killing time online today:

www.markmadsen.com

I'm sure Owen will be promptly bookmarking it.

All right guys...

I guess the real question on everyone's mind is how these technology wars (the shitty blue ray discs versus the even shittier hd dvd discs) are going to affect video games for those of us who do not currently have a great deal of money. Here's Owen's dilemma:

I am without any platform with which to play video games. I can't figure out if any of the new ones are even worth investing in. I mean, fuck the fucking Wii. Nothing about that looks like any fun. The Xbox 360 is well and good for Ben and his shooting games, but does it offer anything else. The Playstation 3 would be my top choice but it has that damnable blue ray thing going on and apparently Sony is having a lot of problems. That said, it supports PS2 games and it looks like it may have some good titles down the road. Is any of it worth it? Should I not play video games anymore?

JRR Tolkien

I realize that this may be old news to some geeks of the world, but did anyone realize that Aragorn (or Stryder or Estel or Elessar) is in fact, by the time he becomes king of Gondor, a sixty year-old inbred virgin? That's right, a sixty year-old virgin. Not only that, but he had the chance to score with Arwen before any of the ring shit happened and he didn't do it. Why? Oh, also Arwen is his cousin. Go figure.

Interestingly, although not quite so alarmingly, it seems that after all the ring shit happened, Gimli the dwarf left his wife and all his kids to go off with Legolas.

My question is this: why would I even post this on a message board? His books aren't even all that good. How did Tolkien get such a stranglehold on the geek community?

Movie Monday

Samuel Jackson sings blues in the upcoming movie Black Snake Moan. LINK!

Here's a 16mm movie my friend Dax did as an undergrad. It's no masterstroke, but there's a couple cool moments. The very end, when the music comes in, is my favorite part.


And a video of Nicole counting change!


Coming soon: A youtube series called "Dax visits Nicole!" Crappy exercises from film school!

"Mor sports"

Does anyone remember Jay Mor's amazing talk show and his breathtaking repore with superstars like Keyshawn Johnson? Why is Jim Rome on the air instead? Why?!

A couple of other questions. Do you think the Indianapolis Colts threw games during the regular season to lull other teams into a false sense of security? Drew Brees: the NFL's Steve Nash?

C-Webb

What are people's thoughts on Webber coming to Detroit? I for one am all about it, and have always thought Webber got a bad rap as not being a "winner", whatever the hell that means. Plus maybe then Detroit could compete with Miami for the Owen-Curry-Old Veteran-Fantasy-Team-of the year award. Of course, I may be biased by the fact that C-Webb is one of the greatest power forwards in NBA 2K history, having regularly put 40 and 20 in 2K through 2K3.

No need to ask...

Ben, I'm pretty sure that Sabbath thing in the car happened to us. But then there are probably enough scenes of us listening to music in cars to fill a couple trilogies. The best one being this:

Radio (singing): Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend...
Owen (mocking): Wiiiish you would step back from that ledge mah friieennnnnnd!
Ben: Shut the fuck up!!!
Silence

End Scene

Burning Funny Cars

Slayer? Or Black Sabbath (here and forever known as Sabbath)? And don't base this on the music, you can throw that to the people under the stairs. What's the best, or most wicked, name in music? At first I want to say Sabbath, as such:
Friend 1: (turns off cd player)
Friend 2: Ugh!? No Sabbath?!
Friend 1: (shamed into turning cd player on)
There's power behind names and Sabbath is an ant snorting Alamo pissing gut punch.

But then...say Slayer to yourself. Hear that? Do it again. Yeaaah. I can't help but stress the R and use the Monster Truck commercial voice. "This Friday night night night, Slayerrr!-rrr!-rrr!"
Slayer is more of a butterfly knife cutting a Z in your stomach. It hurts, but in kind of a flashy way.

I don't know. Thoughts? Owen, it's okay to ask someone.

Who here would bat an eyelash if Roy Williams EXPLODED right next to you? Not one of us. We would just keep staring straight ahead, shirtless with a neckerchief. And honestly, if inside underneath Ford Field, inside a vast hand dug tunnel system, Millen ran a Russian roullette syndicate would ANYONE be surprised? As a Detroit fan we've been entrenched in awfulness for a very long time. In ten years will we suffer paralyzing collective flashbacks during pivotal plays? I know now why the Arizona Cardinal fan sings.

"Someday this teams gonna be good..."

"Death of a Salesman" Meets "Lolita"

Clearly, you're all overlooking what was truly the best movie of 2006: Zyzzyx Road, starring Tom Sizemore.

Here is the plot summary from IMDB:
"Grant is an accountant with a bad marriage and a daughter whom he loves. He takes to the road to service his accounts in Las Vegas. While there he meets seductive Marissa. They have a week-long affair which culminates in the arrival of Marissa's ex-boyfriend, Joey. Joey attempts to kill the lovers, but Grant gets the upper hand. Grant and Marissa then drive Joey's body to Zyzzyx Road and Grant buries Joey in the desert there. But in the morning the body is missing and something is trying to kill Grant and Marissa. In the DEATH OF A SALESMAN meets LOLITA ending, Zyzzyx Rd. reveals a shocking, tragic twist."

This movie is so good it broke the world record for lowest box office sales since modern record keeping began. It grossed $30 dollars, selling only 6 tickets. My personal theory is that this film is so good, only 6 people were allowed to see it, another example of Hollywood elitism.

On a side note, Tom Sizemore's IMDB page shows a line-up of amazing looking movies starring him currently in pre-production.

Yes... but Brick?!

The gap is widening between mainstream movies and their "independent" conterparts. This is because mainstream movies now are required to be spectacles more so than films. The other movies are pretty much the same as it ever was...
same as it ever was...
same as it ever was...
same as it ever was...
Sorry. That's the way it is now though and I blame technology. I'm not some curmudgeon that hates the world today or anything of that foul nature, but when you can download any movie you want they have to sell you on going to see something in the theatre that can only be seen in a theatre. Ben, when are we watching Idiocracy? The Marine?

I haven't seen The Queen, Volver or Pan's Labyrinth so that makes Children of Men the best movie I've seen this year with Hostel as second because it was better than Inside Man and The Departed. Were any of you guys disappointed when you found out that Linda Cardellini (LC from now on within this blog) was 25 when they made Freaks and Geeks thus making her, what, 40 by now?

In response to Ben...

I felt like I saw more good, original movies this year than I'd seen in years past.

I didn't see Hostel, but I agree about Brick.

These are other good ones -
Volver
Old Joy
Inland Empire
Little Children
Pan's Labyrinth
The Departed
The Prestige
Children of Men

I'm trying to think of more, I'll post if I do.

The Twin Dragons

Is Jenna Fischer of TV's The Office fame really Linda Cardellini, aged and decrepit, from upwards of tens of years in the future?!

Fireworks and missing the point

First things first. The new face of fat self-loathing pervert comedy is Jonah Hill. That's my Lock of the Week.

I took 2006 and gave it a month by month appraisal of it's out put and the results were less than encouraging. By default Final Destination 3 was the best film of February and it only got worse by April. Like sports, movies don't make sense anymore. Nothing released this year was any good with Brick and Hostel clearly, cllleeaarly, the cream of the crop. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, where did that come from? Did anyone have a clue what was going on? All those years, all those Third Rock marathons, I never would have geussed. On a side note, can Jay Hernandez (One of only two men to play Carlito Brigante!) get any funnier, ever? Even when he's getting digits shredded off I just want to pinch his puffy alchoholic cheeks. He's so crazy/beautiful he doesn't even know it. Why was Brick so good? Because everything else was really just so lifeless or terrible. Am I watching too many mainstream movies? Not enough movies at all? None more Batman? I need answers. That's it. Oh yeah and the funniest movie moment of the year is when Alex jizzes all over that guy's mom in Grandma's Boy.

Rebuttal?